I choose myself (#sol25 Day 23/31)

A lot has happened in the past six months.

Six months ago, I had a uterus.

Six months ago, I had a husband.

Six months ago, I had a bunch of cysts and a radial scar in my left breast.

I don’t have any of those things anymore. They’re all gone.

They all have their own origin stories but the ultimate reason why I don’t have any of those things anymore is a big one: I chose myself.

Severe anemia had reduced my energy and activity levels to next to nothing. After years of trying smaller shifts and changes, I chose myself, got a hysterectomy, and have been building back ever since. Recovery was massive, I was out of school for a month, but I haven’t looked back once. My energy is better than it has been in years, hemorrhaging periods are a thing of the past, I can live my active lifestyle the way I want to, and all my numbers are back in “normal” range. I chose myself instead of living a lesser and impacted quality of life, and it was 100% the right choice for me.

23 years is a long time to know and love another human. There was a lot of good and great and fun and hope and growth in 23 years. But when mental health and substance abuse problems won time after time again, year after year, broken promise after broken promise, disappearance after disappearance, I chose myself. I chose myself when I finally understood that I was worth such a choice. Once I knew that, it was impossible to unknow it. (Sorry, friends and family, that I was a little bit late to that party!) My emotions went through the wringer, I was still fresh out of my hysterectomy, I had to miss more school days, and it was the only path forward that would return me to myself. Glimmers of “what will be” are brighter and stronger each day because I chose myself, and it was 100% the right choice for me.

I’ve had mammograms every six months or every year since my early 30s. They’ve all kept an eye on clusters in my left breast. This winter, I chose to get rid of them. Yes, it was one more surgery. Yes, it was more time away from school. And yes, by choosing myself, I am now free of that constant worry and vigilance. (And everything was benign and negative, so double yay!) It was 100% the right choice for me.

So, yeah. A lot has happened in the past six months. Have there been unintended impacts? Absolutely. Would I make different choices if I could go back? Absolutely, 100%, not at all. While there seem to be differing opinions on whether the impacts were worth my choices, I am damned proud of myself and would choose it all again without hesitation.

Seven healed holes in my torso, one finalized divorce, and six months later, I’m spending my days choosing myself, wholeheartedly. It’s even starting to come more naturally.

Onwards!

❤️

See ya tomorrow. 📝